The Istanbul Chronicles: Mary Poppins

So it was my first winter in Istanbul and it was the first winter that Glenna and I was spending together.  Of course I can tell you that the winters in Turkey are far different from the winter in Chicago.  The differences are that one, Istanbul is some 2,634 meters above sea level (y'all don't ask me how many miles is that! I am still on the meters part) and two, there is no wind but the steel cold  that is sharp enough to cut through all the layers that is between your coat and clothes.

Now as a Chicagoan I am so used to being blow around by strong wind that I sometimes don't even move. But on this particular day in which I am about to talk about, I had to be Glenna's anchor so that she would not get blown way.  I did tell y'all that there is no wind in the winter, right?

  Before I mentioned that we lived in Kadikoy inside Istanbul and on this day I can not remember where Glenna and I was going however we were heading towards the ferries by the Bosporus.  We had just cross the Albay Faik Sozdener Caddesi (a mouth full, I know. I lived there and still could not pronounce that damn street name right) walking towards Rihtim Caddesi talking about who else; Edward's ass.

Here is a short story about me and Glenna first winter together.

It was the winter of 2001 and Glenna and I stuck up like two sore thumbs in our winter coating.  Glenna like a dark marshmallow man in her black snowsuit and me look like a black Russian socialite in my long red cashmere coat with fur cups on both arms and a fur hat. And let me not forget the long black umbrella, but even in the mist of the fresh new snow that was coming down, you could still spot us as we walked arm in arm towards the ferries.

As we walking there were three young men behind us and we can hear them talking.  Glenna could not make out what they were saying and all I can tell her was that they are talking about nothing, so Glenna proceed to continue to talk about Edward and how he was about money. Suddenly I notice that their conversation had change and that they were now talking about the woman in the red coat. One friend ask another to ask her if she was for sale.  This worries me because I see no other woman within five feet or more near us in a red coat except me and I am trying really hard not to pay attention to these kids.  And it was really hard to do so.

Glenna still talking about that damn Edward as we are walking across the park to the ferries.  But then the young boys started to really question as to who should be the first to have business with me; y'all I was like "What the Fuck!" and in a moment of quickness without warning to Glenna did a turn about so fast that Glenna was confused with the "What the Fuck!" in the middle of her sentence.

To their own surprise, all three of them went their separate ways and I ran after on the one who did the most talking, with my umbrella waving in the air.  If only Dick Van Dyke was there to see what new defense tactic that was then in used.  Supercalilfragilisticexpialidocious (Fuck that is a word!) was not in my head at that time.  (Hats off to the person(s) who create that word!)

In her own state of confusion, Glenna said all she saw was a red coat woman running looking like Mary Poppin with her umbrella open flying in the Istanbul's winter air.  Okay, so I give the hood verse in Muslim country.  They went along with it.

Y'all, all I remember that I was madder than hell and wanted to put just a little fear in their heads about the woman in the red coat.

'Til this day, Glenna still does not understand what the hell happen that day!  All she remembers is Mary Poppins running across the park. The same goes here with me, I don't understand why I felt what I felt that day.  Never the less, my feelings for Turkey will never change, and I will always love it there for it's rich culture and it's kick-ass scenery.

May baby!!!!

May is here people and we know what that means, right?  Mother’s Day is coming!!!  Who like me has a list of mothers that they too wish to find a great gift for?

May 1^st Law Day since I have ever broken the law, can I used this day to do so?

May 2nd National Life Insurance Day which goes well with National Truffle Day because that is a good reason to die by chocolate. And if that day for chocolate does not work well for you, then consider,  

May 3^rd National Chocolate Custard Day! (I am just saying!)  For all teckies out there May 3^rd is also National SAN Architect Day, which reminds me to update my MS Visio to create one.  Plus it is National Two Different Colored Shoes Day.  This is so fashionable incorrected!

May 4^th will have a more specific meaning to it so it will be National Star Wars Day, hence “May the force be with you!”  This day is shared with National Orange Juice Day, which I don’t mind as long as it also involves Vodka.

May 5^th Cinco de Mayo, I am ready trying to create a good ass excuse to NOT go to work that day.

May 8^th is Mother’s Day.  Please tell me that you all have found or in the process of getting a good gift for your mother or made arrangement for flowers to be flowers to be deliver or made reservation at a special restaurant.  Okay, these are ideals so get your own for Mother’s Day.

May 9^th is National Lost Sock Memorial Day.  I guess on this day all those single socks that you have in draw waiting to find the long lost single probably dirty again sock, put them in a shoe box and go bury the box in a good fashion.

May 11^th is National Third Shift Workers Day.  Do we even celebrate First and Second shift or did we move them to get to Third?

May 13^th is National Apple Pie Day, so go ahead and eat that pie. On this day it is also National Blame Someone Else Day that way you can blame it on “I don’t know!” for it the missing piece of the pie since he is the one person that you cannot claim on their income taxes.

May 15^th is National Nylon Stoking Day, though I and about 95% of women have stop wearing them, however we still know to use them to rope you suckers (men!) into doing whatever we you do.

May 16^th is National Piercing Day.  I can run in so many different ways with this one and only because some piercing are exotic and extremely sexual. (I am just saying!)

May 18^th is National No Dirty Dishes Day: this will never exist in my current home.  However when I move into my new place in September I will enjoying the shit out of this day!

May 20^th is National Be a Millionaire Day.  For me this will only happen in Turkey.  Because the joke is that everyone is a Millionaire. $1 dollar = 1 million lira! So my 10 million Turkish lira will buy me lunch with a beer.  It is also National Pia Party Day, which is even better because I can get 3 Turkish pizza with my 10 million Turkish lira.

May 22^nd is National Vanilla Pudding Day

May 24^th is National Escargot Day

May 25^th is National Wine Day, though I do have a glass or 4 per week.

May 28^th is National Brisket Day and National Hamburger Day. Now with this day and the four that I just mention before, as I was writing this I felt 25 pounds being add to my hips and ass.

May 31^st is National Speak in Sentences Day.  “What?” There it is ladies and gentlemen, my noun, my subject and my verb?

Well everyone, I see that i have a busy month and I am sure most of you will be busy with graduation, prom, 8th grade trips, and Mother's Day.  

I got a new semester to fight with.  Until next time..

April is here!

Hello everyone! I see that we have enter into April.  Where are the damn showers at?  My April thus far has been fill with and still is a frozen with snow. . . STILL!  Sometimes it is a mixture of  snow/rain or rain/snow.  There is telling and this has caused me to leave March with cold and enter April trying to recover.  but that is hard to do when you have to go to work with a office full of sick people spreading their got damn germs!  Stay your ass at home and rest.  

Seemingly that we are a some days into April and how late I am now posting in my blog, how many of you are still alive after April Fool’s Day?  How many of you were brave and crazy enough to play a practical joke on your mother? Uh-hm!  Your mother is the one person you should NEVER play a or any practical jokes on.

Let me explain why!  At any given time your mother can cause you bodily harm with her love. How? With that one special dish that you love when she cooks it.  How about when she washes your clothes or when you ask her for a few extra dollars.  When she cleans your room or if she has never cleaned your room then all of a suddenly she starts, then you should worry.  How about when she is quite for a long time.  You know us mothers are never quite, and that is when you should really worry.  So NEVER play a joke on your mother. 

The first and last I did a joke with my mother, she threaten me with God and scared the bee-jesuses out of me!  A thousand thoughts enter my mind as to how other mothers can cause their children to be on their best behavior.  With love, of course!

April seems to bring those last minute tax procrastinators! Those are my favor people.  Why? Because in their own way they are telling the government “you now have to wait on me!”  Me. I am one of those people who file their taxes as soon as I get all my W2s. "So give me my money punk!"   Though Busta Rhymes song "Baby I got your money!" comes to mind during the tax season.  This sista here needs to pay her credit cards off first so I can do more damage with them.  CHARGE baby, CHARGE!

April does bring us some unknown holidays like:

April 10^th: National Sibling Day!  I am not claiming those fuckers! I am the only one with common sense!

April 12^th: National Grilled Cheese Day.  I have to wait until after work to make one.  To make it before going to work would not have a fresh grill cheese smell loaming in the air at the right time of the day.

April 13^th: National Peach Cobbler Day.  Hey, hey, hey! This will go good with a cup of Irish coffee! Don't be cheap on the whisky! 

April 15^th: National Day of Silence.  Y’all I am the wrong person for this day and I can recognize that!

April 17^th: National Bat Appreciation Day.  I can go a few avenues with this one, for instance, bat the animal however that makes me think of using my baseball bat to beat NBC and Amazon’s ass if they do not bring us, Dracula’s Army, a second season of Dracula with JRM! I thought about Batman but I don’t know which actor to go with.  Though Adam West will always be my main man however the verdict is still out on Val Kilmer, Christian Bale, George Clooney, and Michael Keaton.  Ben Affleck's ass don’t count!

April 23^rd: National Talk Like Shakespeare Day. Hell most of us still don’t know how to talk English!  And we talk English. 

April 30^th: National Hairstylist Appreciation Day . . . for everyone else visit the hood that way you see some unique and outrageous hairstylists.  Go my Sistas!

So I live in Milwaukee, as I have mention before and Wisconsin is a state that has no ideal what weather temper its wants to display per day and stay with it for a few days.  For those you who live in sunshine states and currently have warm weather, I am jealous.

So if I start now and continue throw out the month of April for better weather in May.  Who in the hell am I kidding? We all know that mother nature is simply a bitch!

What is happening in March?

You know what?  March is one of those months that you wonder what major holiday is happening this month.  Then we look up and it is St. Patrick's Day?  I don't know about y'all, but I look forward to the boys being in skirts!  The real men of course!  I am NOT going lie y'all, St. Patrick's Day is the one holiday I really want to be a hoe for.  Grab one of those boy, or two, and take him or them in the back alley!  But first let me buy them a few drinks that way they won't remember what the hell I did to them. (Giggles!)

I don't know if any of us ever knew that every day in March is a National Day of something.  I am provide a link to a website Nation Day Calendar www.nationaldaycalendar.com/march/ which I took a look at and had fun with.  Now according to this calendar I can make a few holidays as my new favorite days to celebrate.

March 1: National Peanut Butter Lover's Day and National Fruit Compote Day. Who does not love peanut butter?  And Compote - my two favorite favor are peach and white grape.

March 3: National I Want You to be Happy Day - on this day only I will wish this upon everybody. You can't wish this to everybody everyday because there are some people who simply choose not to be happy, and ain't nothing you can do about that.

March 4: National Pound Cake Day - another good reason to eat cake.  National Hug a G.I Day - I can get in so much trouble with this one.  National Grammar Day - this is one holiday that should everyday.  National Day of Unplugging - I can go a long way with this one because I know a lot of people who need to be unplugged and I am not taking about technology.

March 5: National Multiple Personality Day - now that is special, they gave 6 Souls it own personal holiday.

March 6: National Dentist's Day and with good reason because on this day it is also National Frozen Food Day, National White Chocolate Cheesecake Day, and National Oreo Cookie Day.  Schedule your dentist appointment at the end of the day.

March 7: National Be Heard Day - I am wondering how many people would be line up at the Supreme Courts for this. It is also National Cereal Day, I will be sure to have my box of Captain Crunch Peanut Butter and Fruity Pebbles! And is it also National Crown of Roast Pork Day - I guess I will be good on this day since I just visited National Dentist's Day the day before.

March 8: National Pancake Day/IHOP - I am going to hop my ass over Dennis  right down the street. And since it will also be National Proofreading Day I guess that I will proofread my pancakes as I am eating them.

March 9: National Get Over It Day - this will apply to all those who have not gotten that damn breakup!


March 10: National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day - a good day to remind yourself to go get check out. (Seriously!)

March 11: National Promposal Day - I had to look this holiday up and it is in reference to Men's Warehouse. (Hhhmmm!)

March 12: National Girl Scout Day - I am looking for cookies!

March 13: National Earmuff Day - look, once March gets here I am not thinking about no damn earmuffs.  National Open an Umbrella Indoors Day - only if $75,000, after taxes of course, pours out from it. Then we are good!

March 14; National Potato Chip Day - get y'all a bag of Lay's Potato Chips. National Pi Day - who in the hell thought of this?

March 15: National Everything You Think is Wrong Day - pure genius!

March 16: National Everything You Do is Right Day - damn skippy!

March 17: St. Patrick's Day - time to drink green beer and be a hoe! (Giggle) and of course it would also be National Corned Beef and Cabbage Day - that only makes sense people! It goes with the green beer.

March 18: National Sloppy Joe Day to go along with National Awkward Moments Day - y'all I am going to leave this one alone.

March 19: National Poultry Day and National Chocolate Caramel Day - I need to find a recipe that will combine the two for dinner.

March 20: National Ravioli Day - Chef Boy R D y'all! (Giggles)

March 21: Corn Dog Day! Hey hey hay!

March 22: National Goof Off Day - this will be the one day you can skip out on your boss and not give him a reason why.

March 23: National Chip and Dip Day - I will advise you to go to your favorite Mexican restaurant and order that extra chips and salsa dip with a pitcher of margaritas.

March 24: National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day. Get a good movie for this and don't forget the Pepsi and the popcorn!

March 25: National Lobster Newburg Day - let me make reservations at Red Lobster.

March 26: National Spinach Day - make reservations at my local Korean restaurant.

March 27: National Joe Day - this is good because I can have it after I have my National Spanish Paella Day dish at Spanish restaurant.

March 28: National Weed Appreciate Day - enough said! National Something on a Stick Day - my mid went dirty on this one! National Black Forest Cake Day - this should have been an official British Holiday.

March 29: National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day and National Lemon Chiffon Cake Day - I need to find a Mom and Pop place with this cake.

March 30: National Take a Walk in the Park Day - only if weather permits.  National I Am in Control Day - even if the weather does not permit you should do this for your own mental state of mind.

March 31: National Clams on the Half Shell Day - by y'all damn selves!

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Your days in March should never be a boring one but a fat entertaining one.  I recommend that we all start doing some planking.  Starting with 30 seconds and working our way up to 5 minutes. That way we will be ready for what is waiting for us in April!

The Host of 6 Souls

Okay, so a while back some of you have read my pieces about Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (That Boy from Ireland!) and in it I mention that I watch one of his many movies called 6 Souls, and I said that it was made in heaven for me in a psychological way that I kind of in way - took it apart.  The movie was directed by Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein with the gorgeous star Julianne Moore (I love her in the The Big Lebowski and Boogie Nights!).

Now before I could write this piece, I had to watch the movie 5 times because I did not get some of the scenes being that the first time watched it, I got scared the bejesus out of me with that whole thing that Johnny was doing with his characters.  See . . I don't watch nor do I care for scary movies so therefore every time I watched this movie I had all the lights on in the house, not to mention that I had a bat too.  Yeah, I am a scary cat and I will not even lie about that!

As I was watching the movie, from what I could understand of Moore's character, not only was she a sane but also a fearless bitch.  And according to this movie it look like Moore's character at times would wanted to pick up a bat to beat the shits out of JRM's character. (I know I did but I keep a bottle of Vodka even if it was empty next to my desk!)

There is a scene where Julianne's character takes Johnny's character back to the woods in a wheel chair, and Julianne turns her back for a moment to make a phone call, she return back to the Johnny and he is not there; and she was like "where in the hell did he go to?"  And out of no where Johnny's character walks up behinds her with a different personality.  See in that scene, my right hand would have came from Alabama with a custom made alligator rolling pin and would have went upside Johnny's head for scaring the bejesus and his other cousin out of me!

Now as I was watching this movie I came across somethings that would make most of you say "What the fuck!" First of all, there is a house in the movie and if I went into a house with its extremely nasty filthiness, I would turn my ass around and never came back.  Y'all, Mr Clean would beat my ass for even asking him to help to me clean that house then Mr. Clean would banned my ass for using his products in my own clean house.  That is just how bad it was according to the movie. To the set creators, good job on the house.

Towards the end of the movie, for me things started making sense about Jonathan's crazy ass characters because I was thinking this character here was just beyond bipolar.  Then I thought that well maybe his character was to have schizophrenia (Yes people I had to look this word up in the dictionary and it still does not register with me.)  But then, I started to remember one of my favorite Korean soap operas when the main male character was dealing DID.  Y'all when you watch the movie then you understand what he done DID.  He DID have a lot of souls and I counted 6 of them that he DID took for his own survival.

DID, dissociative identity disorder which is having a mental disorder on the dissociative spectrum characterized by the appearance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.  (As I continue to keep reading this definition, I will be the first to admit that it was over my head!)  To put is in simple terms, he couldn't find one personality that he liked.

Y'all, I brought the movie from iTune and I think that the next time I watch better have me a virtual gun to kill the characters, not Johnny.  For Johnny, I have a belt to beat his ass with. . . .I don't know what the hell he was thinking.  That boy is lucky I am not his mother because I sure would beat the bejesus in him. LORD!

Y'all watch the movie, 6 Souls by y'all damn self.  (I am going to find me a bottle of Vodka!)

A Scorn Woman Like Me

The saying goes "Hell has no fiery like a Scorn Woman" and it is a true saying.  Ladies when we get get hurt by the man of our dreams we become a true Devil's daughter in her own rights.  Ladies we not only go after him but everything that involves him in his world including that new bitch in his life!  We go after the car, his new place and his job.  Hell we will take a skillet upside his damn head hoping that some sense will come to him before he walks his ass out that the door.  Am I right? Well at least most of y'all do.  And we do this because we are seeking that closures that he refuses to give to us.

But ladies let me share with you my own heartbreak.

My heart goes way back to the south side of Chicago.  We grow up together, he went away and got married and divorced.  I had a child, went away, got married and divorced.  However this man had heart and there was nothing I would have not done for him.  If he had said "pack your shit and let's go!" I would have done it.  But unfortunately my love was either not want he wanted or it was not good enough.  Come to think of it, in all years I have have known him, he never once said he told that he love me.  (Bet somebody is going to say "Your stupid ass should have paid attention! And I guess what I am about to say? . . . . . That I am woman enough to admit that I was!)

But I guess that is why I did not shredded a tear for him when things when down they way they did.  I got jealous of him telling someone that utter those words to person and never to me.  Now usually I don't jealous about nobody for no reasons.  And yes I was truly beside myself when I heard him say them.  The car ride on the home was quite.  He drop me off and left. Never heard from him again and he did not returns my phone calls accepting my apologizes.  Once I tired to reach to him and he did not respond.  And I accepted that.

I accepted it after I stop to think about all ways I wanted to boiled his ass with a blow torture.  Y'all I will be in the kitchen pouring myself a glass of wine, holding the bottle thinking how can I screw this up his ass.   How many of you saw the movie Single White Female?  There is a part in there where Jennifer Jason Leigh's character kills Bridget Fond's boyfriend with a 6-inch stilettos heel right to the tempo . . . .yeap, I thought about that too.

I accepted it ladies because it was definite awake up call to understanding that he really did not love me as I thought.  And that was to my first understanding.  Yes ladies, that in itself was really hard to grasp and it took a minute to get over it.  And how did I get over it? I went shopping and I got under another man.  Because of how the relationship ended I really did not want to give myself like that again and I could not believe that all those years of friendship and other things that were between us was gone just like that.

But this got me to start think differently about my next, if and when I get into it, relationship.  It brought two subjects to before me that I really did not want to deal with: commitment and the trust of my love. Now I knew that I had commitment issues but I don't think that would have been my problem with him.  However once again my commitment issues started to surface, and I did not have time to give flying rat ass about him at that moment when I knew I had to deal with this issue before getting into the next serious relationship. Yes I had commitment issues before I was married and even today I still find myself with that problem.  To put it simply, I do not want to do it.  That fear factor is there and I was afraid that I will not be able to confront it. 

Coming away from that breakup I started thinking how can I trust the next man to tell him I love him?  Cause now I am scared to tell the next "good man" that I love him due to the last ass with his rejections of my love, This is would be of great difficulty for me.  If he is not apart of the Johnson family, and this include Brent, LeRoy and my son, that I will and would tell them that I love them and all their fuckin flaws.

Okay, okay, I still do love my ex husband and this because that man gave me the world to explore and learn from; and for that I am most grateful to him.  He encourage me in ways that I did not know could from a man outside of my family.  But those three words "I love you" are not words to be taken lightly because they have brought many people pain and grief.  People have divorce and been killed over those words, and one side love have been shattered over those words.

Some people do not understand that to say "I love you" it comes with huge amount of respect for the one that you are saying it to.  See my ex husband gave me respect with those words and even when we divorce he gave me that respect.  However with this breakup I learned that regardless of how years we had known each other, he did not respect me at all.

The number reason as to why I am not bitter about this is because when I was younger, my uncles told me that a man is going to be where wants to be when it comes to a woman.  Ladies it has been three years since the breakup, and I have approach each and every new relationship with the next man with skepticism.  I let that man make his own mistakes and did not let the pain from the past relationships be his responsibility. Because we (and I am saying this because both men and women are guilty of it) hold the next lover who comes into our lives responsible for what the last lover did; and that is not fair to them.  He or she did not doing nothing wrong, yet we make difficult for them to get next to our heart.

And let me tell you another reason why I am not bitter, because I am not about to give him that power!  I am NOT going to ruin my life for him. I am have and continue to enjoy every single bit of what life has to offer.

With that said, hey Guy who broke my heart! I may be a woman who is having fun enjoying her life with out any bitterness but do not gave me a reason to scorn your ass.  But then again it would have to be a damn good reason for me to scorn you. Your new life does not count!

Coming in February!

Okay, so it is already February and for me I think February is the month that I personal hate to most.  This is new to me and I have been feeling this for the past 4 years.  And it is nice to know that I am not only in this.

Everyone looks forward to February because it is the romance month.  My ass!  How many of your women out there was in a relationship where your guy does not celebrate Valentine's Day?  I bet that his answer is that everyday is Valentine's Day and does not show it to you.  Let tell you what you should.  The next time he wants chips & salsa, make it fresh from a recipe but also add little of paprika and grand marsala and then wait.  Leave very little toilet paper in the bathroom.

See my problem was that I have been getting with knuckleheads who did not celebrate Valentine's Day. Last year I treated myself to a Valentine's Day dinner at Chipolte and got Valentine wishes from a few college boys. (That is so sweet that their mama let them go out to get potty trained!)

I was dating an idiot that at that time seem to not understand how important Valentine's Day is to a girl.  So I left his ass at home that night, where he truly belongs.  I left his in 2015 because ladies this something that both Wendy Williams and Steve Harvey agreed on.  If you have been a relationship for 2 years or more and it is not moving no where, leave his ass where is at and move on to the next.  Which is now my new motto. But now I get text messages stating that I am so mean to him and that he misses me.  Bullshit. . . his ass is horny and I ain't got none for him.

What will I do with Valentine Day this year?  I don't know but I am sure it will involve a bottle or two of wine.

As I was talking to Glenna, she pointed out as to why she hated February.  Because it is the one month that you literally have to turn around and pay again.  Think about it.  You are short by 2 -3 days in renting your apartment.  In the other months, you are paying for 30-31 days to rent your apartment.  February is the only month in which your apartment is the most expensive, with the exception of this year because it is leap year. However, do the math! Then you will see it.

However I think that the main reason why most of us love or appreciate February is that we can't wait to receive our W-2 forms for file our income taxes as soon as possible.  For the next few months most of us are wishing to get money back from Uncle Sam, and when we don't get our money back because Uncle Sam says so then we are so ready to government out!  GIVE ME BACK MY DAMN MONEY, PUNK ASS GOVERNMENT!  I am sorry, may that is just me.

February also bring about the Superbowl game, something that I still have not gotten into regardless of how many times I have watched.  And I think mainly it is because of the ridiculous cost of is.  Five million dollars for a commercial slot and $4300 for a damn ticket.  Now I am not greedy however if anyone, meaning those who are will to fork over any amount of money of a few a hours of anything, are willing to give me $75,000 (after taxes of course), I will be most appreciative of your kind gesture.  And at least with me, you will get more than a 60 second time slot.

And why is it that Superbowl is always held in February?  What is wrong with the other months?  Okay December is out, it is already full.  So is November and October is too scary for football.  Come to think of it, I think April is only month that does not have anything is it to celebrate. Poor April!

But beside that I am sure that many people have a love/hate moment with February.

Is that damn Superbowl over with?  I need my TV back . . .