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The Tudors: The First 2 Seasons

Y’all I am about to be so real in this piece because I watched Seasons 1 and 2 of The Tudors!  If I had no angry issues before watching the two seasons this show gave me additional issues that I did not need. Caused me to roll my neck, cut my eyes at the characters and finished 4 bottles of wine. Plus, I had to hide the baseball bat that I was saving for #NetflixSaveDracula movement. Because I was ready to go to town on this show!

Let me first give an applause for the well-done performances in causing me to want to town on y’all ass. Well-done and outstanding job to the writers!  After watching the first 2 seasons I did not think that I could have watched this showed while it was being aired on ShowTime while I was pursuing my bachelor.  I would have failed some of my classes trying to figure out what the hell happen? The first 2 season left me with a few questions and a whole lot of drama that would make me kill King Henry VIII (played by my friend Johnathan Rhys Meyers).

For example, what happen to first baby boy that was produced, yes, I said produced, by your heirness what is his name’s wife in the first season? (Do not correct me on this because I seriously did not catch his name when the King Henry and the mistress said it in bed.) It was made clear to what happen to the baby boy that Queen Katherine carried but what happen with this one?

What happen to the long-haired musician genius from the church and his wife? We know that his wife went somewhat crazy after her sister died. I was surprised to see this dude Mark Sweeten pop into the picture. Who knew Anne’s brother went that way!! (The shade of it all!)

How in the hell did King Henry’s sister, Princess Margaret Tudor (played by Gabrielle Anwar) got sick? Wait, Charles why were you fucking around with the sister anyway? He must have had tiny balls at that time but grew bigger balls when he went up against Sir Thomas Boleyn punk ass! Real talk: Charles (Henry Cavill’s character) needed his ass kick for fucking around on his wife while she was sick! He should have taken up golfing! And his second young wife should have taught him how to play stick really fast when he cheated on her with the niece of France!! Niece of France my ass; I would have jousted his ass across England!

Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (played by Sam Neil) gave me justification as to why I don’t attended church today. (Crocked motherfuckers!!)  Though you have got to give it to Wolsey, he was smart enough in how he got things done for the King. For a Cardinal, it was fuck everybody else it is about the King. Including the Pope. WOW! His ending was sad but not too much.

Thomas Howard, 3rd Duke of Norfolk (played by Henry Czerny) – they did that during that time. Keep count of how many Dukes occupied a villa\castle like Norfolk?  Really? Where in the hell did his ass disappeared to in the first season?  I mean he was smart enough to leave before that shit hit the fan, so hey.

I can really appreciate a man like Sir Thomas More (played by Jeremy Northam) because he stood his ground about the sanctuary of marriage.  I don’t think would want that on my conscience either but then again, I did cheat on husband, so oh well. I was happy to see that King Henry regretted that whole outcome that took place between him and Sir More.  I was waiting for Sir More’s ghost to pick that cross that he gave to the King as a Christmas present, and beat his ass with.

With Sir Thomas Boleyn (played by Nick Dunning), y’all let his punk ass off easy!! Look, look here! He did more dirt than his daughter and then played the high and mighty dummy for real. If my father told me to let my husband have his mistresses, I would have filed for diplomatic immunity with France. ASAP!! Because the action that would have followed ladies and gentlemen. . . (singing the song: Murder she wrote! La la la. Murder she wrote!)

Let’s talk about Anne’s ass (played by Natalie Dormer) for a minute!! Y’all, I did so much cussing in Season 2, I was ready to throw my laptop across the room! I have not done this much cussing since I read Shakespeare’ King Richard III. The original crocked motherfucker right there! How in the hell can you kill your older brother and turn around fuck his widow at your brother’s funeral? Really? In Shakespeare’s world, are we sure that Anne was not a niece of Richard III? Because I think that is how she got her fucking skills, she did not learn them from Daddy Boleyn and Uncle Howard!! I cannot see how that was possible?! Take for example innocent Elizabeth. Mommy and daddy have dark hair.  Daddy’s skin is darker and Elizabeth’s skin is much fairer than her mother’s. And I am giving the side-eye to Jamie Thomas King’s character.  I am just saying that Anne had some skilled and you draw your own conclusion on that one.

Queen Katherine of Aragon (Maria Doyle Kennedy), I was really rooting for she because she been had on castle block longer and she was entitled to everything.  I love the fact that the Queen stood her ground about who she was and what she wasn’t going to be.  I did cry when she passed away! And I was ready to whoop the King’s ass for not letting Mary see her mother in 4 years. No let me take that back, I need to see sir Thomas Boleyn punk ass for telling Mary that she was forbidden to see her mother and I was wondering did the King really allowed this? That probably goes to that some intelligence that I am about to mention.  

But see, if I was Queen Katherine, I would had taken Anne to the side when she showed her ass the first time, let Anne’s ass know that my army verse your NO army little girl.  Put Anne in her place from the beginning. King Henry was smart to keep Queen Katerina in England because he knew if Queen Kat went back to Spain his ass would have been grass. I was amazed that despite all the pussy he was getting, he still had some intelligence to understand that fact. (Some intelligence.)  But at the same time, again if I was Queen Katherine, I would had gone the fuck upside King Henry’s head with one of the many heavy crosses that they had sitting around in the castle.  And how in the hell did King Henry get sprung by Anne when his revolving door for forever in session? (In my opinion, that is the only thing that Anne did right! She tamed his ass!)

And if I was Queen Katherine, I would have had me some sistas in my corner, I don’t mean her sisters from mom and dad (please pay attention to the spelling!) We would have hot rodded a few carts and ran over the King’s count. We would have slacked around and body slammed a few of the King’s guards and if King Henry did not know what S & M was, we would have educated his ass real fast!

So here is where we are standing at the end of Season 2 of The Tudors: Anne got her well deserve karma and there is a saying that applies here for her: how you got him is how you will lose him. Another saying: you will rise quick but you will fall-down faster. Her brother got his karma for the way he treated his wife. Talk about the closet for real and R. Kelly would have told him to stay there! Poor Elizabeth but hooray for Mary because besides her mother, Mary was still respected by the English people, majority the King’s court, all the kings from other countries like France with the marriage offer to Mary and not Elizabeth, and from her own father. (Season 2, I think episode 7 or 8, King Henry is leaving after visiting Elizabeth, he sees Mary on the balcony and he bows to Mary.)

And King Henry VIII!! From watching all the sex from seasons 1 and 2 that I decided to go on a fucking hiatus! (JRM, this is a compliment. . .you know you need your ass whooped for such a kick-ass performance! Did I not express to you that I do not do emotions? We had this conversation before. WTF?? No that is not right. What the banana & cream? Nope that is not right either. Fuck it. We had this conversation!!!)

I do apologize for cussing so much in this piece but look at it this way: I did not have to wait until that time of the month to let my angry out!  Hell! Let’s see what happens in seasons 3 and 4.


Until next time!

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