As a parent I dreaded having to have the sex talk with my own child and this is because I was still feeling the fear factor from when my mother gave me the sex talk. How she did it is still imprinted in my mind. She used a medical dictionary to explain to me and your brother. She used the picture to gave us the imagination of where the two parts connect at and how the liquid gift finds it way to home to create the bun in the oven. So when it came it my child, I was like either talk to your friends or go talk to Brent. And I was even more traumatizes by my grandfather giving us the sex talk!
I had to be in my early teens when my grandfather had this brilliant ideal to sit his grandchildren down (those of us who were enough, myself, my brother Man, and my two cousins Astonie and Quenton) and had the sex talk. For those of you who knew what kind of man my grandfather was, you are already laughing. For those of you had had the opportunity to be involved with one of my grandfathers famous lectures not only did you get the chills but you too are also laughing about this.
So image this: we are in the living room at 7627 S. Eggleston, Chicago. The living room is huge with white velvet sofa set, matching coffee table set, and a brown piano next to the bay window looking out onto Eggleston Street. And who remembers the light pink carpet? (I don't know what the hell my grandfather was thinking but my grandmother did express dislike of the color.) So there were us grandkids sitting around one side of the main coffee table and granddaddy sitting on the other side of the coffee table on the couch. Of course he had his glass of E&J, a can of Old Milwaukee Best beer and a pack of Benson & Hedges cigarettes. From that moment when granddaddy asked "What do y'all know about sex?" was the moment I had decided that I will never subject my own children to the same the conservation. The looks on the four of our faces, you would have though that we would have preferred to have Castro oil instead. Having constipation was not a good enough excuse to have saved us from my grandfather's lecture. The 45 minutes lecture, yes forty-five beyond broken leg having contraction labor sitting pain minutes about sex. From him! The then patriarch of our family!!! You know that was a hell of lecture because I am still traumatize by it today! At lease the sex talk that I had with grandmother came with roses! Meaning it was MUCH nicer talk!
Now towards the end of our 45 horrid minutes, my brother Lil Man decided to go to sleep on granddaddy. For those of you who know, this is a no-no to do in front of Wayne Johnson. Why? Cause no telling what he will do to you. Though us neighborhood kids knew what was his preference . . . . . that double barrel shot gun. In this case, with my brother, granddaddy pour beer down his ear! We saw my brother jump so high without a pole and won a gold medal! Now how he handed was a different thing because granddaddy caught that head, and we saw something go across the coffee table. I think it was Lil Man because he was no longer sitting next to me. But due to my brother's action, we got an additional 30 horrifying gut-wrenching minutes more about sex! Now do know that there were a lot of times where I had the opportunity and wanted to kill my brother, that should have been the perfect time to do it. Not only did we get the extra sex talk but we also got torched torched with another lecture about disrespecting my elders when they are talking to us.
Now if my grandfather was still alive today . . . all hell I do not want to image the lectures that man could and would create for his great-grandchildren. Nor could I ever forgive myself for letting them get torched that way. Yes I could! In all fairness they need to be lectured just like us older Johnson kids were. And betcha bottom I be laughing my butt off too!! Hahahahah!
But in sadness, that sex talk did not work on my brother and I don't think it worked on Astonie neither! It worked on Quenton and it sure in the hell worked on me when I had my child. Cause he and I don't have that conversation at ALL!! When he starts his talking his then I start talking mine, and then he is like "I'm done mama! You win!" (Sidebar: No child wants to hear about their parent's sex life! Or their grandparent's!!) And I want to keep it that way!!!!
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